A message from Anonymous
you're gorgeous!!!!

I’ve had an awful night and this tiny little message actually means a lot right now, thank you

at least I had one bright spot in my day

at least I had one bright spot in my day

all I can ask for is at least a little bit of consistency in my relationships, and I can’t even get that

both lifeinsidethegrey and ichhoffeichglaube tagged me (wheeee!) to post six of my favorite selfies (because selfies yay selfies!), which made me realize that

(1) I have an astonishing number of selfies on my camera, and
(2) I am embarrassingly skilled at taking the selfie

that being said, I ended up trying to choose favorites out of my more recents because that was the best way to narrow down the playing field… so here goes, my friends:

  1. I’ve taken a lot of selfies with baby E and she’s not even looking at the camera here, but this precious girl singlehandedly got me through a pretty shitty school year and I am so blessed by her.
  2. call me narcissistic, but I like my coordination and shape of my lips on this one.
  3. post-recital BLISS, hours of practicing a day for months and just like that my senior recital was accomplished.
  4. okay this is monumental because I remember ACTUALLY LIKING HOW I/MY BODY LOOKED IN THAT OUTFIT.
  5. I don’t remember where or what this is from, but look a good hair day whoop yeah.
  6. I don’t know why I like this so much, but I’m guessing *good friend + good marimba + frisbee golfing + much-needed day off* kinda adds to it.

‘I tried bulimia once.’

There’s nothing quite as lovely as a thoughtful message from someone who understands:

     ’Sorry you’re going through this, I tried bulimia once and it sucked.’

Bulimia does suck.  The sky is also blue, and the world round.

But darling, you did not try bulimia once.

Forgive me if I’m callous, but I can’t dig up much sympathy for someone who believes gagging once and deciding it’s icky is ’bulimia’.  Sure, it’s never a good thing to try to make yourself sick, unless you’ve just been poisoned.  And thinking purging is a viable option isn’t exactly healthy.

But sticking your fingers down your throat and coughing and then going OH MY GOD EW is not bulimia.  Fasting for a day and then ‘fainting’ in the hallway is not anorexia.  And ‘getting so desperate I seriously considered anorexia or bulimia’ isn’t an eating disorder. 

Bulimia is a speeding train with no brakes, bingeing and purging and bingeing and purging no matter how broke you are or how disgusting the food is or what you should be doing.  It’s gorging until you can barely stand, puking until you bleed, and the city could burn to the ground and when it was over you’d still be standing in the ashes, bingeing and purging.

Anorexia is a wall of blue-gray ice, a miswired translation code that turns appetite into disgust, a terror you don’t understand, a fear so real you can see it and hear it and kiss it goodnight, an illogical logic that rewrites everything and you know you need to eat and maybe you even really want to eat but you just can’t because if you did everything would fall apart.

Desperation is digging through the garbage for nothing-something-anything to stuff in your face because you have to binge and purge right now.  Desperation is standing frozen in the aisle of the grocery store for minutes/hours/years, and then buying the same calorie-free crap you always buy because you can’t eat it if it’s not safe.  Desperation is swallowing laxatives like normal people swallow candy, just because you have to be empty.

And you can’t ’consider anorexia and bulimia’, as though they were for sale at the pharmacy between agoraphobia and cyclothymia. 

You didn’t ‘try bulimia once’.

It’s not a diet, and it’s not a choice.

mixed feelings about being back on antibiotic, but at least that means more kombucha?…

mixed feelings about being back on antibiotic, but at least that means more kombucha?…

and in a moment of weakness, I redownloaded tinder

successfully hit those sprint intervals

successfully hit those sprint intervals


beginning to think my top skill is getting too attached to people who don’t reciprocate at all

damn you, dunkin donuts and your ninety-nine cent iced coffee

coffee + score study 

this is how mornings should be

coffee + score study

this is how mornings should be

a round of applause to all the boys who know how to respond to texts in a timely manner because apparently all the ones in my life haven’t quite picked up that skill

do we look related becaauuse Minnesotan genes will do that to you

do we look related becaauuse Minnesotan genes will do that to you