maybe it’s the changing of seasons that’s settling in my skin or maybe it’s because this is my first fall without the structure of school or maybe I should really stop being inconsistent with medication and supplements.

but I needed to get away.  I needed to take the time for myself and come back to my lake and just get away.  anxiety usually isn’t the one to rise to the top first, but I feel it over everything else lately.  I want so badly to be independent and strong and responsible all the time.  I want to wake up every morning ready to take on the world singlehandedly, I want to not be so dependent on someone else to make me feel valuable and happy.  
and I can’t.  I can’t do any of that right now.  

I leave tomorrow.  I go back to working and momming and bills and roommates and practicing.  but I know that if my great big beautiful lake superior has less significance in the heart of my creator than I, Tessa Rae, do, I’m going to be okay.  it’s going to be okay.

Canon EOS REBEL T3i
now that my blog is exclusively pictures of me and Alice, here’s another

now that my blog is exclusively pictures of me and Alice, here’s another

I’ve been tagged by Megan because she’s the sweetest and I’m just getting around to doing this whoops:

Name:  Tessa

Nickname:   I’ve been christened Baby Bear by two different circles within the past three months because somehow I’m always the youngest in group settings.  also, my percussion prof would call me Queen of the North because, you know, sole female in the percussion studio perks.

Birthday:   August 16, 1992

Gender:  female

Sexuality:  straight

Height: 5’4 

Time Zone:  central 

What time and date is it there:   4:19PM, August 30

Average hours of sleep I get each night:  ideally, I think I need 10 hours of sleep to be at my best.  I’ve gotten into the awful habit of texting at night though and that brings me closer to 7-8 whoops. 

Last thing I googled:  "how to get files of hard drive to laptop"

Most used phrase(s):  freshman year of college I was most well-known as “out of control” because that was my number one response to everything, and then the phrase spread like wildfire.  still haven’t topped that one. 

First word that comes to mind:  I kid you not my dad is listening to jazz right now and the guy is singing “dooby dooby dooby dooby” so uh… yep that’s the word of the hour.

Last thing I said to a family member:  to my mom, “do we have any marshmallows?” (very important and very necessary)

One place that makes me happy and why:  nothing makes me happier than coming home to northern Minnesota and seeing the trees and Lake Superior and stars.  it’s home and it always will be.

Favourite beverages:   kombucha.  always kombucha.

Last movie I watched in the cinema:   Guardians of the Galaxy, and I have absolutely no idea what happened that entire movie.  then again, I was on a date so that might explain why.

Three things I can’t live without:   grace and forgiveness.  also, Benefit brow gel.

Something I plan on learning:   kinda really want to get a bartending license, just to tuck away in my book of tricks.

A piece of advice for all my followers:   gosh I suck at advice.  but I’m learning that connections and relationships in networking is hella rad.  get out there and be known.

You all have to listen to this song:   I go through phases where I listen to the same song over and over and over, and for the past few months that song has been Youth by Daughter.  also, Ed Sheeran’s Photograph.

Blogs:   just this one for now, little birds

I tag:  also I suck at this.  can I tag all my followers?  maybe I just did.

Canon EOS REBEL T3i
little sunshine

little sunshine

"hey that’s a bad idea you know, that nose ring and all, because if you have a boyfriend or something he could twist that ring around and don’t you think that’s just a bad idea…"

uhhhhh strangest comment to date about my piercing

it’s hat weather here and I am absolutely loving it

it’s hat weather here and I am absolutely loving it

"It’s like I’m afraid to be
the person that I know
I’m supposed to be.

That somehow in letting
myself grow
into a fully functioning adult,
who remembers to go to bed,
to eat, To brush her teeth
and to stop slashing at her skin

I’m giving in.

To the type of submission
that makes my skin crawl.

Normalcy is something
that makes me run in fear.

’Ordinary’ is a word
that sends chills down my spine.

Doing what you’re
supposed to do? Absurd.

So I keep the pills,

Whatever ones I can find,
ones I know I won’t take

ones I might, and ones that I do

stashed away in sock drawers,
little tin mint containers,

pencil cases, everywhere.

The “just in cases,”
for laters,” and “for nows.”

To forget, to remember,
to not feel. Torn between
the ups and the downs.

Drowning in the mess
of feeling too much
and not feeling enough.

And while I’ll complain
about those highs and lows,

I never want to be stuck
in the ordinariness

Of the life that most
people have to live.

I think I might drown myself
in my soy milk infused cereal

If I had to get up everyday,
go to school and see
the same friends and have
the same conversations
that normal people do

What would life be
without wanting to kill yourself
every once in a while?

Or without feeling so high
that you want to jump

off of the same cliff
that you climbed yesterday

Not worth living, if you ask me.

I thrive in my instability.

It might get tiring.

Actually, it’s always tiring.

But I choose this.

Every time,

I choose this."
morning conversations

morning conversations

home.

I woke up with a sore throat and my head is all fuzzy and stuffed up, but I don’t even care because I’m home.  I’m drinking local coffee out of a mug a family friend made and the dogs are still both sleeping and my mom is doing her farmers market in town and I am home.

home.

I woke up with a sore throat and my head is all fuzzy and stuffed up, but I don’t even care because I’m home. I’m drinking local coffee out of a mug a family friend made and the dogs are still both sleeping and my mom is doing her farmers market in town and I am home.

very few things feel better than Minnesota air

I keep committing to too much and I can’t do this for much longer

already giving sass

already giving sass

feeling waayyyy too old to be on a college campus this often

I’m pretty sure all aspects of my life would be significantly more tolerable if my skin was halfway decent

little sidekick

little sidekick