"hey that’s a bad idea you know, that nose ring and all, because if you have a boyfriend or something he could twist that ring around and don’t you think that’s just a bad idea…"

uhhhhh strangest comment to date about my piercing

it’s hat weather here and I am absolutely loving it

it’s hat weather here and I am absolutely loving it

"It’s like I’m afraid to be
the person that I know
I’m supposed to be.

That somehow in letting
myself grow
into a fully functioning adult,
who remembers to go to bed,
to eat, To brush her teeth
and to stop slashing at her skin

I’m giving in.

To the type of submission
that makes my skin crawl.

Normalcy is something
that makes me run in fear.

’Ordinary’ is a word
that sends chills down my spine.

Doing what you’re
supposed to do? Absurd.

So I keep the pills,

Whatever ones I can find,
ones I know I won’t take

ones I might, and ones that I do

stashed away in sock drawers,
little tin mint containers,

pencil cases, everywhere.

The “just in cases,”
for laters,” and “for nows.”

To forget, to remember,
to not feel. Torn between
the ups and the downs.

Drowning in the mess
of feeling too much
and not feeling enough.

And while I’ll complain
about those highs and lows,

I never want to be stuck
in the ordinariness

Of the life that most
people have to live.

I think I might drown myself
in my soy milk infused cereal

If I had to get up everyday,
go to school and see
the same friends and have
the same conversations
that normal people do

What would life be
without wanting to kill yourself
every once in a while?

Or without feeling so high
that you want to jump

off of the same cliff
that you climbed yesterday

Not worth living, if you ask me.

I thrive in my instability.

It might get tiring.

Actually, it’s always tiring.

But I choose this.

Every time,

I choose this."
morning conversations

morning conversations

home.

I woke up with a sore throat and my head is all fuzzy and stuffed up, but I don’t even care because I’m home.  I’m drinking local coffee out of a mug a family friend made and the dogs are still both sleeping and my mom is doing her farmers market in town and I am home.

home.

I woke up with a sore throat and my head is all fuzzy and stuffed up, but I don’t even care because I’m home. I’m drinking local coffee out of a mug a family friend made and the dogs are still both sleeping and my mom is doing her farmers market in town and I am home.

very few things feel better than Minnesota air

I keep committing to too much and I can’t do this for much longer

already giving sass

already giving sass

feeling waayyyy too old to be on a college campus this often

I’m pretty sure all aspects of my life would be significantly more tolerable if my skin was halfway decent

little sidekick

little sidekick

trying my hand at meal prep on Sundays for the week ahead.

I’m so thankful for the way weight training just kind of fell into my life.  it’s made me so much more conscious about the food I’m eating, but rather than trying to eat less, I know that I should be eating more if I want to maximize my training.  but I’ve really been awful at that lately, especially when it comes to protein.  like really super embarrassingly bad.  it’s a wonder I’ve made any gains at all.

so yesterday I hardboiled some eggs and chopped up all my veggies and cooked a ton of quinoa with spinach and tonight I’ll cook up a bunch of chicken and I think I’m ready to actually make an effort towards making the absolute most with the health I’ve been given.

trying my hand at meal prep on Sundays for the week ahead.

I’m so thankful for the way weight training just kind of fell into my life. it’s made me so much more conscious about the food I’m eating, but rather than trying to eat less, I know that I should be eating more if I want to maximize my training. but I’ve really been awful at that lately, especially when it comes to protein. like really super embarrassingly bad. it’s a wonder I’ve made any gains at all.

so yesterday I hardboiled some eggs and chopped up all my veggies and cooked a ton of quinoa with spinach and tonight I’ll cook up a bunch of chicken and I think I’m ready to actually make an effort towards making the absolute most with the health I’ve been given.

yesterday a seven-year old told me (well, his twin sister told me while he sat listening in the other room) that he wants to marry me.

so many options and nowhere to go.

I’m in other people’s houses way more than my own

I’m in other people’s houses way more than my own

I can already feel the indifference sinking in and the anxiety of being indifferent coming on full force.
I hate feeling indifferent towards people, towards activities, towards life.  but I think what’s most difficult for me is when others see this indifference and attribute it to who I am; put it on me like a label, that I am uninteresting and boring, blank and uninspired.  I am not indifferent. but depression is.
but today, in the midst of being anxious about getting anxious, I managed to get myself to the grocery store to actually buy food (*clapping hands emoji*)and that’s when I saw the sky and knew that maybe, just maybe, I haven’t been completely overtaken by indifference quite yet.  I can still take in the beauty around me.  
I haven’t lost that yet.  I will not lose that.

I can already feel the indifference sinking in and the anxiety of being indifferent coming on full force.

I hate feeling indifferent towards people, towards activities, towards life.  but I think what’s most difficult for me is when others see this indifference and attribute it to who I am; put it on me like a label, that I am uninteresting and boring, blank and uninspired.  I am not indifferent. but depression is.

but today, in the midst of being anxious about getting anxious, I managed to get myself to the grocery store to actually buy food (*clapping hands emoji*)and that’s when I saw the sky and knew that maybe, just maybe, I haven’t been completely overtaken by indifference quite yet.  I can still take in the beauty around me.  

I haven’t lost that yet.  I will not lose that.